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funny inspirational quotes


“You must pay for your sins.If you have already paid, please ignore this notice. ”—  Sam Levenson,funny inspirational quotes


“You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.  ” —  James Thurber


“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh  —  at yourself. ” —  Ethel Barrymore,funny inspirational quotes


“You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. ” —  Jack London


“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?  ” —  Steven Wright,funny inspirational quotes


“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ”  — Franklin P. Jones


“Whoever said, ‘It’s not whether you win or lose that counts,’ probably lost. ”  —  Martina Navratilova


“When you're out of willpower you call on stubbornness, that's the trick. ” —  Henri Matisse,funny inspirational quotes


“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. ”  —  Henny Youngman


“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. ”  —  Cathy Guisewite,funny inspirational quotes


“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened. ” — Winston Churchill


“When I hear someone sigh that life is hard, I am tempted to ask, ‘compared to what?' ” —  Sydney Harris,funny inspirational quotes


“What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.  ” — Ralph Waldo Emerson


“Well — behaved women seldom make history.  ” —  Laurel Thatcher Ulrich,funny inspirational quotes


“We’re always bluffing, pretending we know best, when most of the time we’re just praying we won’t screw up too badly.  ”—  Jodi Picoult, House Rules


“We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.  ” —  George Bernard Shaw


“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them… well, I have others. ” — Groucho Marx,funny inspirational quotes


“Think like a man of action, and act like a man of thought. ”  —  Henri L. Bergson


“There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.  ” —  Bill Watterson,funny inspirational quotes


“There is more to life than increasing its speed.  ” —  M. K. Gandhi


“There is a dearth of mirth on the earth.  ” —  Bill Nelson


“There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened. ” — Mark Twain,funny inspirational quotes


“There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through… There needs to be a monster truck option. ” —  Jeph Jacques


“There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. ”  —  Roger Staubach


“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.  ”—  Franklin P. Jones


“The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent upon it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.  ”—  Galileo Galilei


“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.  ”— George Bernard Shaw


“The shortest distance between two points is under construction. ”  —  Noelie Alito,funny inspirational quotes


“The most important thing is not to stop questioning. ”  —  Albert Einstein


“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.  ” —  Maureen Dowd


“The greatest thief this world ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. ” — Henry Wheeler Shaw


“The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget but a pessimist forgets to laugh. ”  —  Tom Bodett


“Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. ” — Anon,funny inspirational quotes


“Some people walk in the rain. Others just get wet. ”  — Roger Miller


“Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.  ” — Gladys Berthe Stern


“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ” — Albert Einstein,funny inspirational quotes


“People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.  ” —  Will Rogers


“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. ”  — Zig Ziglar


“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.  ” — Bill Mcglashen


“One thing you will probably remember well is any time you forgive and forget. ” —  Franklin P. Jones,funny inspirational quotes


“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.  ” —  Isaac Asimov


“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. ” —  Napoleon Bonaparte


“Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.  ” —  Winston Churchill,funny inspirational quotes


“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.  ” —  Dave Barry


“Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.  ” —  Bertrand Russell


“Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.  ” —  Unknown


“Life is like a ten — speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. ” —  Charles Schulz,funny inspirational quotes


“Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.  ” —  Tom Lehrer


“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.  ” —  Voltaire


“Life begins at 40  —  but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.  ”—  Helen Rowland


“Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. ” —  Dwight Eisenhower


“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. ”  — Victor Borge,funny inspirational quotes


“Laughter is an instant vacation.  ” — Milton Berle


“Laughter is a weapon of mass construction. ”  —  Kat Caverly,funny inspirational quotes


“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. ” —  Henny Youngman


“It's good to shut up sometimes. ” —  Marcel Marceau


“It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. ” —  Franklin P. Jones


“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.  ” —  Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes,funny inspirational quotes


“It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips. ”  —  Fred Allen


“In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is. ” —  Chuck Reid


“If you're going through hell, keep going.  ” —  Winston Churchill


“If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.  ” —  Donald Trump,funny inspirational quotes


“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?  ” —  George Carlin


“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.  ” —  Dalai Lama


“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.  ”—  Mark Twain,funny inspirational quotes


“If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck.  ” —  Elvis Presley


“If you fall, I’ll always be there.  ” —  The Floor,funny inspirational quotes


“If you end up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it. ”  —  Frank Zappa


“If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it.  ” —  Montaigne


“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.  ” —  Unknown


“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ” — Unknown,funny inspirational quotes


“I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess. ”  —  Cassandra Duffy


“I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. ” — Tom Lehrer


“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. ” —  Mark Twain,funny inspirational quotes


“I realized I was officially a professional writer when all my plans began with “drink coffee” and ended with “take a nap. ”  —  cassandra Duffy


“I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell. ” —  Harry S Truman


“I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.  ”—  Will Rogers 


“I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.  ”—  Yogi Berra,funny inspirational quotes


“I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ”  —  Steven Wright


“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. ” —  Groucho Marx


“I cannot afford to waste my time making money. ” —  Louis Agassiz,funny inspirational quotes


“I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.  ”— George Bernard Shaw


“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. ” —  Oscar Wilde


“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. ”  —  Woody Allen,funny inspirational quotes


“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.  ” —  Lily Tomlin


“Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.  ” —  Martin Luther King, Jr.


“Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. ” —  Franklin P. Jones


“Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive it isn’t.  ” —  Richard Bach


“Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.  ”—  George Bernard Shaw


“Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.  ”—  Harry Emerson Fosdick,funny inspirational quotes


“Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ” —  David Rosam,funny inspirational quotes


“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.  ” —  La Rochefoucald


“Follow your dreams, except for the one where you're naked in church.  ”—  Rev. David Ault


“Focus, focus, focus! What am I, a telescope?!  ” —  Naruto Uzumaki,funny inspirational quotes


“Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.  ” —  Unknown


“Families are like fudge… mostly sweet with a few nuts.  — Author Unknown


“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. ”  —  Truman Capote,funny inspirational quotes


“Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes. ” —  Marie von Ebner  


“Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. ” —  Ahmad


“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.  ” —  James Dean


“Don't mind your make — up, you'd better make your mind up. ” —  Frank Zappa ,funny inspirational quotes


“Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’til it gets there.  ” —  Josh Billings


“Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous  ”—  Albert Einstein


“Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is! ”  — Jeffrey Gitomer,funny inspirational quotes


“Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not. ” —  Vaclav Havel


“Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. ”  —  Mark Twain 


“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. ”  — Mark Twain


“Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. ” —  Mark Twain


“A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.  ” — Charles Gordy,funny inspirational quotes


“A smile confuses an approaching frown. ”  — Author Unknown


“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs  — jolted by every pebble in the road.  ”— Henry Ward Beecher


“A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.  ”—  Dolly Parton,funny inspirational quotes


“A good time for laughing is when you can. ” —  Jessamyn West


“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ”  —  Steve Martin,funny inspirational quotes