Best 76 funny quotes and sayings by famous author

Hottest funny quotes collection,Funny quotes about life, love, family, friends, money,etc.

funny quotes

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.” — Jerry Seinfeld quotes,funny quotes

“They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed. ” — Bill Maher quotes,funny quotes

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ” ― George Carlin quotes,funny quotes

“This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.  ”― Plato quotes,funny quotes

“When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS, by the way – make lemonades’. ” — Sarah Silverman quotes,funny quotes

“Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.” — Jerry Seinfeld quotes,funny quotes

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” ― Mark Twain quotes,funny quotes

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?” — Chris Rock quotes,funny quotes

“You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. ” — Steve Martin quotes,funny quotes 

“You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.” Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars ” — Chris Rock quotes,funny quotes


“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. ” ― Albert Einstein quotes,funny quotes

“Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people. ” — Stephen Colbert quotes,funny quotes

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ” ― Mark Twain quotes,funny quotes

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. ” — Rodney Dangerfield quotes,funny quotes

“Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything! ” — Steve Martin quotes,funny quotes

“By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property. ” ― Voltaire quotes,funny quotes

“Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.  ”― Albert Einstein quotes,funny quotes

“Courage knows what not to fear. ” ― Plato quotes,funny quotes

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. ” — Jerry Seinfeld quotes,funny quotes

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ” ― Mark Twain quotes,funny quotes

“Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.  ”― Voltaire quotes,funny quotes

“Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.  ”— Chris Rock quotes,funny quotes

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. ” — Bill Maher quotes,funny quotes

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. ” — Steve Martin quotes,funny quotes

“Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck. ” — Stephen Colbert quotes,funny quotes

“Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work. ” — Chris Rock quotes,funny quotes

“Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers. ” ― Voltaire quotes,funny quotes

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?  ”— Jay Leno quotes,funny quotes

“Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.  ”— Steve Martin quotes,funny quotes 

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. ” — Steve Martin quotes,funny quotes

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. ” — Jon Stewart quotes,funny quotes

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it. ” ― Mark Twain quotes,funny quotes 

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ” ― Mark Twain quotes,funny quotes

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. ” ― Albert Einstein quotes,funny quotes 

“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. ” — Chris Rock quotes,funny quotes

“I was raped by a doctor. This is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl. ” — Sarah Silverman quotes,funny quotes

“I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. ” — Rodney Dangerfield quotes,funny quotes

“I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book? ” — Stephen Colbert quotes,funny quotes 

“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.  ”― George Carlin quotes,funny quotes

“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty. ” — Chris Rock quotes,funny quotes

“If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him. ” ― Voltaire quotes,funny quotes

“If you are going through hell, keep going.  ”― Winston Churchill quotes,funny quotes

“If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor. ” ― Albert Einstein quotes,funny quotes

“If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny. ” — Larry David quotes,funny quotes 

“In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God. ” ― Friedrich Nietzsche quotes,funny quotes

“Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.  ”— Jon Stewart quotes,funny quotes

“Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?  ”― Friedrich Nietzsche quotes,funny quotes

“It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.  ”― Winston Churchill quotes,funny quotes

“It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.  ”― Voltaire quotes,funny quotes

“Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.  ”— Stephen Colbert quotes,funny quotes

“Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal. ”― Friedrich Nietzsche quotes,funny quotes

“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ” — Jerry Seinfeld quotes,funny quotes

“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. ” — Rodney Dangerfield quotes,funny quotes

“No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern. ” ― Plato quotes,funny quotes

“No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.  ”― Voltaire quotes,funny quotes

“Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution. ” — Jay Leno quotes,funny quotes

“Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.  ”— Stephen Colbert quotes,funny quotes

“Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.  ”— Rodney Dangerfield quotes,funny quotes

“On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice. ” — Stephen Colbert quotes,funny quotes 

“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.  ”― Plato quotes,funny quotes

“Prejudices are what fools use for reason.  ”― Voltaire quotes,funny quotes

“Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need. ” — Bill Maher quotes,funny quotes

“The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board. ” — Dennis Miller quotes,funny quotes

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.  ”― Winston Churchill quotes,funny quotes

“The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them. ” ― Mark Twain quotes,funny quotes 

“The measure of a man is what he does with power. ” ― Plato quotes,funny quotes

“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. ” — Jay Leno quotes,funny quotes

“The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. ” ― Albert Einstein quotes,funny quotes

“The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” — Dennis Miller quotes,funny quotes

“The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. ” ― George Carlin quotes,funny quotes

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.  ”— Jay Leno quotes,funny quotes

“The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.  ”― Voltaire quotes,funny quotes

“There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.  ”― Voltaire quotes,funny quotes

“There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that. ” — Steve Martin quotes,funny quotes

“There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money. ” — Stephen Colbert quotes,funny quotes

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.” — Stephen Colbert quotes,funny quotes